It’s my freshman year of college.
The beginning of my second semester.
And I’m pregnant.
2 days late- “Maybe my body is adjusting to the change in my eating habits.”
4 days late- “Maybe I’m just stressed out.”
After a week of my period being a no-show I started to panic. I had one of my friends come with me to Walmart to buy a pregnancy test. (SB: Why are pregnancy tests in Walmart locked in a plastic case and can only be opened at the register?)
I’ve watched multiple movies/shows where the characters had to wait 2-5 minutes for their test results. THAT IS ALL LIES AND EXAGGERATION. It took ClearBlue 2 seconds to tell me I was pregnant.
That night I tried to go to sleep with good thoughts.
The next morning I took a second test just to make sure I didn’t get a false positive. That test took no time at all to show me those two pink lines again. Now my mind is going into overdrive. It would be just my luck to find out I was pregnant after my guy-friend and I got into an argument and stopped speaking. To break the news to him I simply sent a picture of the test to his phone. I probably should’ve went about it differently but I was too drained to do anything else.
Time to make a decision
I tried to think of as many scenarios as I could where keeping the baby was an option. I thought of running away, I thought of adoption (for all of 60 seconds), and I thought of going home pregnant. In all of these situations I would be miserable. I knew I was in no way ready to have a baby. I also knew I could never give a baby up for adoption. Abortion was an option I never thought I’d have to choose but I also never thought I’d be in such a predicament.
I chose to have the pill abortion. What solidified my decision to have an abortion was the moment I saw the ultra sound. I didn’t feel anything. I knew there was life growing inside of me but I felt no attachment to it. I didn’t think “Am I making the right choice?” At that moment I saw abortion as the only choice.
I thought the pill would be easier to deal with. I was so wrong. I was six weeks pregnant when I took both pills. I opted out of filling my prescription for pain medication. Looking back, I think I was trying to punish myself for getting pregnant.
The pain of the contractions were indescribable. I couldn’t talk or walk. All I could do was endure the pain silently. My roommate thought I was just having some terribly bad cramps from a clotting period. There was a moment when I tried to walk to the bathroom and before I could get 5 feet from my room I had to stop. I sat down in the middle of the hallway with my head between my legs until I could walk back to my room. The worst part of this entire experience was when I felt the embryo come out of me in the shower. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I flushed it.
For months after that I spent nights crying myself to sleep. I fell into a deep depression. I stopped eating and lost weight (I was already small to begin with). My nail beds turned purple, I had dark circles around my eyes, and my clothes no longer fit me.
I haven’t ever encourage abortions and I still don’t but I understand the concept of choice. No matter how many precautions you take things happen and you should be able to decide if a baby is what you want or have the mental and physical capacity to withstand.
Since then I’ve been overly cautious. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve had sex since.
Having an abortion was one of the most emotionally/physically draining experiences I have ever had but a decision I’m glad that I made. I am now happy, healthy, and making a life for myself.